Goofhoof and Trackhoof

December 29, 2007 at 12:11 am (General Huntard Logic, General Hunter Knowledge, Worst Hunter Ever)

When I was in my 40’s, I had the distinct fortune of meeting the worst hunter ever. True story.

I make no exaggerations; he was the living, breathing embodiment of the poorest qualities of the Hunter Class.

But as Fate has a twisted sense of humor, not only were we both Tauren, but he joined my guild only a day after I first ran into him.

Worse, he assumed we were buddies from day one.

(I guess that’s my fault… I tend to be friendly and agreeable; I really need to be more curt with idiots.)

So my friend Questor (great guy IRL, wicked sense of humor) asks for some help running Zul’Farrak. He’s tanking, we’ve got a healer and a mage, so I decide to go and said other hunter (who will be named “Goofhoof” from now on, to hide him from public shaming… even though he totally deserves it) tags along.

I was actually low for the instance, at around level 41; Goofhoof was two levels higher.

First couple of pulls go fine. I trap with ease, and keep damage piling on one target while my kitty warms up another, and even though our mage is stellar at DPS, the Damage Meters don’t lie… Trackhoof, #1 with a bullet.

Goofhoof, however, is straggling between 3rd and 4th. He’s also not trapping. And his pet keeps dying. He starts berating our healer and Questor for not healing his pet, despite the fact that a) Questor is tanking, b) my pet at the time was off-tanking, and c) he has Pet Mend.

Out of curiosity, I look up his build on Armory. It resembles the Mona Lisa, as interpreted by a kindergartner on two pots of coffee. There’s kind of a pattern or general idea, but everything is strewn so wildly, and he liked that blue crayon so damn much, that it just doesn’t work cohesively together.

I look at his Aspect of the Hawk, which is on under his tag. 60 AP? What the deuce? I ask him, “Dude, why aren’t you using the highest rank of Aspect of the Hawk?” He replies, “What do u mean, I just got it.”

I lecture him, and he agrees to go back to a capital later to pick it up. But in the meantime, we’re still doing fairly well, for having totally gimped DPS. He’s still hovering around 4th. By all logic, reason, tea-leaf reading, and what have you, he SHOULD be outstripping me. So I check his gear.

Agility? Not really.
Strength? Yeah, a bunch.
Intelligence? Oh, yeah.
Stamina? Definitely.
Spirit? Yes, lots.

Wait, WHAT?

I ask him again. “Hunter-bro, what’s with all the +spirit? We don’t need it! We crave agility, and Attack Power!” “Lol, I got good mail from SM @ 40. My defense is so good, and I have lots of strength and spirit”

I try to educate him. I try to explain to him why Agility is actually a good idea. I try to cram it into his head that he does not, under any circumstances, want that other mail gear, no matter how good it looks or how high the defense is, because Spirit is not a Hunter stat. I argue that he might even consider staying with Leather, for the giant +Agility bonuses.

He laughs it off as we keep going, as if I’m somehow suggesting the Moon were actually made of rocks, instead of cheese. We eventually finish the instance, but a few days later, he leaves the guild. People ask why, Q and I chip in and we all have a good laugh about it.

Today, I check his Armory, just to see how he’s doing.

And it’s frightening.

His Mona Lisa has fallen victim to the notion that a painting consists of filling in every space, everywhere, with color, regardless of how it goes together.

His statistical concentration… does not exist. There is no clear, defining focus on any single Hunter-esque attribute, except Stamina.

He has more Strength and Intellect, combined, than Agility.

His socketed gear is filled with cheap, +4 to a single attribute gems.

His AP barely cracks 700.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HE HAS + TO SPELL CRIT AND IS WEARING SHAMAN CASTER PANTS.

I have met the worst hunter in the world, and he resides on Ravenholdt.

His name is Bullshooter. (Whoops)

-Trackhoof

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4 Comments

  1. survivalhuntersanonymous said,

    Slight error – It was 20 AP, not 60 AP for the Aspect of the Hawk, Rank 1.

    Keep your inner angry mob at bay, it’s an honest mistake.

  2. Merckx said,

    Holy sh!t! that’s not real. Tell me that’s one of you alts or a friend’s alt and this is all a big joke, PLEASE tell me that!

  3. survivalhuntersanonymous said,

    Nope, sorry man, he’s totally, completely, and frighteningly legit.

    Interestingly enough, his existence gives credence to the theory an old guild leader of mine held, which is that “a trained monkey could level to 70”.

    …the monkey’d have better gear, though.

  4. R.I.P, Worst Hunter Ever « Survival Hunters Anonymous said,

    […] Worst Hunter Ever If you will recall, I posted some time ago about a hunter named Bullshooter, who resides on Ravenholdt, and previously awarded his vast, […]

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